An Apple a Day

I really like apples a lot; I live by the addage, "an apple a day keeps the doctor away." What I didn't find out until just recently is that the full addage should go something like this, "an apple a day keeps the doctor away; two apples a day brings him back, three or more apples a day makes it exponentialy worse!"

Let me explain how I have come to this conclusion. I moseyed through life eating an apple a day feeling very fine about my self. I could run nearly a mile without stopping and I was up to fifteen or so push ups. I was the most handsome man I knew and never failed to mention to my wife that it was true. One day I felt a little sick so I turned to my favorite remedy, a nice juicy Granny Smith apple. I waited for about fifteen minutes and still felt sick so I tried a backup Gala apple and what do you know I felt better. From that day forward I ate two apples instead of one every day. After about a month I noticed that my ears were rimmed with a disgusting green color, and that the tips of my fingers were turning blue. I started to eat more apples to try to correct the sickly course my body was taking. I started eating so many apples my wife complained the store owners would hide their apples when they saw her coming so that there would be some left for their other customers. Finally after my cheeks were bloated and there was a huge lump in my side I decided to go to the doctor.

So I waited in a cold and poorly decorated examination room for Brian Specklebum M.D. He came in with his nurse who had stainless steel implements in all her pockets. The doctor looked in my ears, in my  eyes, down my throat and some of the more uncomfortable areas.

"Well Mr. Benji, how long has it been since you saw a doctor?"
"Well.. probably about ten years when I had a talking mole removed." (This was a lie, it had been nearly fifteen years and I had removed the talking mole myself).
"Ten years! That's downright irresponsible. Your supposed to get a checkup every year."
"I Know, but I have been eating and apple a day so I figgured I was covered." A grin started to spread across the doctors face.

"How many apples have you been eating a day Mr. Benji?"
"Well I suppose I am up to three or four hundred, so I should be set right?"
Picking up a wicked looking meat-pounder-like instrument he said, "Back in the sixtys 95 percent of my new patients suffred the side effects of apple over consumption. Most of them stayed my patients until they died painful, depressing, untimely deaths." I nearly wet my pants right there on the examination table  "I suppose you have been poping the Pink Ladys like antacids?"
"Well actually I have been favoring the more conservative Braeburns recently."
"More conservative HA! Your a very sick man Mr. Benji." I started looking around for apples to repel the increasingly creepy doctor and his salivating nurse.
"Mr. Benji, I suppose I could be persuaded to help you... for a price."
"Actually I am feeling quite chipper now I think I'll just be on my way." The nurse locked the door and stood infront of it holding two instraments that looked like they were meant for extracting vitals.
I said with a weak shaking voice "How much do you want?"
"It's not how much but what" He said in a voice tinged with death.
"What do you want?" My mind raced over all the horrible things a psyco doctor could possible want.
"I want your liver Mr. Benji, to feed my pet nurse here." I looked at the nurse who was now licking her lips in anticipation.
"I think I'll get a second opinion" I said in a fear squeaked voice.
"There's no need for that Mr. Benji, your in good hands." He said as he held a vile of fermented apple cider under my nose.

I woke up with a light shinning in my face and my wife talking in the distance. I felt my face, it wasn't bloated anymore. I looked for the lump in my side but all that was left was a scar. My wife noticed that I was awake and so rushed to my side. "Oh Benji you were half way through a golden delicious apple when you passed out. I know you don't like the doctor but I coldn't think of what else to do."
"What happened why do I have this scar?"
Brian Specklebum M.D. came over with a friendly smile. "Your appendix had swelled to 183 times its normal size so we had to remove it."
"Oh, so I had appendicitis?"
"No, there wasn't any infection it was just full of apple seeds, stems, and peels. Some of the stuff was getting pretty rotten. You really ought to consider peeling and slicing your apples before you eat them, or in your case I would recommend giving up apples altogether."
"But an apple a day keeps the doctor away." I said convinced that this was the most important principle of health
The doctor let out a warm amused laugh. "I hate to burst your bubble but "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" is just a clever advertising slogan. And besides we doctors are pretty nice."
I was stunned and hurt, my apple adage had been reduced to "Got Milk?" status.

I was numb as I scooted off the bed and put on my clothes. My wife looked at me with her lovely concerned face as she took my hand. We walked slowly out of the doctors office, but as I was passing by the nurses station I saw the wicked nurse relishing in what looked like a liver paste sandwich. I turned to my wife and said, "I am never going to the doctor again."
my wife just smiled at me and said "Do you want an apple."