I thought this was a totally awesome idea. The inventor is interested in putting it in cars but I think it would be great for a bike (except for the whole 15 extra pounds your riding around with) I probably have fifteen pounds off my person that I could loose to compensate however, and shucks what better way to do it than on a bike?

Les Schwab where everyone knows your name

Where Everyone Knows Your Name

Have you ever had that horrible experience where someone comes up to you and starts talking to you like you are old friends but you have no idea who they are? Well if not go to Les Schwab Tire Center and you will get to experience the pain of forgetting someone who should be  important to you. Why Les Schwab you may ask, well let me tell you. 

I was driving home from therapy thinking very positive thoughts when I felt my car pulling strangely to the left. The last time I had felt this pulling sensation was when I accidentally ran over a ball of cats (yes and actual ball of cats; like the balls of mating snakes except they were cats and I can't be sure they were mating...) Anyway several got caught up in the suspension and another was forced between the rim and the rotor which caused the wheel to spin less effectively causing the sensation of a drag. It was a horrible mess that caused me great mental and emotional stress that landed me in therapy.

Needless to say this dragging sensation caused deep anxiety harrowing up memories that I had paid thousands to forget. So instead of getting out of the car to see how many cats I had spun around the axle this time I decided to take atrial streets the rest of the way home and let my wife inspect the car when I got home. Thankfully it turned out that there was just a low tire which obviously wouldn't cause anyone mental or emotional stress... at least that is what I thought at the time.

The next day I took it in to the closest tire store to be repaired which just happened to be Les Schwab. I walked in and began to describe the problem to the person behind the desk. Before I had a chance to explain what a ball of cats had to do with my flat tire a complete and absolute stranger came in from the back shop and with a cheery smile full of meaning and history said "Benji! I'll take care of you don't worry."

If you have ever been at the peak of a roller coaster about to plunge several hundred feet and had the safety bar pop up unexpectedly you will know how I felt in that moment. Trying to mask my befuddlement I said "hey man, hows it goin?" in the most chummy I-know-exactly-who-you-are voice I could summon. He must have been convinced because I started asking me about my parents and the old hood, not just general questions but actual events that had taken place in my life that until our conversation had never included him. I carried on casual conversation hoping to get the transaction completed before he figured out that I had no clue who he was. After I explained that my car was chronically losing tire pressure he said he would take care of it. Not sure of the cost of such things I asked how much it would be... His response was a nail in the coffin; "For Benji it's free."

With those words the situation had move beyond awkward irrecognition to moral dilemma. Could I let this person of whom I had no trace of a memory provide a free service for me under the pretense that we were chums? Well.... I handed him my keys and said "thanks." The instant he left to take my car around I asked the guy at the desk who the guy was, "Nic VanZwaldo" he said....... Nothing. Nothing at all came to my memory. This man did not exist before the moment he came out of the back shop to antagonize me with his knowledge of my name and history.

The truth about chicken nuggets

Deep fried reptilian creatures

Chicken nuggets are one of the best selling and most loved foods in America. Ask any child and they will tell you that everywhere has chicken nuggets. Go back in your mind and think of a restaurant that doesn't serve chicken nuggets.... okay now remember not to take your kids there because they won't find anything worth eating.

You may be wondering at this point why I am posting about chicken nuggets well I will leave you in suspense no longer. I discovered that chicken nuggets aren't actually made from chicken! The common held belief is that they are not made from chickens per say but from delicious chicken byproducts. I am here to bring that horrible rumor to an end. There is nothing chicken about chicken nuggets at all. 

When I was out early in the morning feeding the chickens at my work I witnessed hundreds of little creatures scurrying in the cracks and crevices of the coop when I opened the door. (no mom they were not rodents) I threw the feed scoop and managed to pin one of the creatures. Upon examination I found that the creature had scales, was roughly the size and shape of a standard chicken nuggeand had a long tongue that hung out over a mouth no more than a slit in its featureless face. 

I put it in a cardboard box to take home and show my kids but found it dead shortly after I had promised them a surprise when I came home (the surprise turned into some candy I found under the seat in my truck). Interestingly upon its demise it shed all of its appendages and looked exactly like a chicken nugget except that it had the green scales. It was in that moment that I made the connection. This creature not only looked like a chicken nugget it actually was a chicken nugget.

I turned to Gandolf R. (regrettably no relation to THE Gandolf) for some cooking advice. He fired up his deep fryer and in about two minutes and fifty six seconds we had what can unquestionably be called a chicken nugget.

Creature after frying for 3 minutes

I must admit this could all be just a coincidence; maybe I just caught some really sick mouse... or a cut in half lizard.... But I don't think so. I will be running some more experiments and hopefully trapping of few of these guys to show more conclusively that chicken nuggets aren't chickens at all but small reptilian creatures.

This discovery could have profound and far reaching consequences. If I end up missing you will know that the chicken companies got to me before I could reveal the truth. Until I get to the bottom of this please continue eating chicken nuggets at the same rate and frequency as before just keep in the back of your mind that you could be eating something entirely different from chicken.

Works for flowers, Turkey Dinners, and Deflated Hopes

My cousin saved my sanity and my very life by enlightening me with these words: "It's not ruined it's just going to need a lot of water."

This saying can be used to solve a myriad of problems.

The world

The economy

The environment

My life

See how many of your personal problems it applies to.

Fran the Phrenologist

A car that looks like Fran's with a girl that looks kind of like Fran.

The other day I was at the barber when I saw Fran my hair dresser hop out of a sweet car and come in to give me the follicle tuneup. I asked her what her husband did for work. 

She said "Oh my sweetie goes around to fast food restaurants and analyzed french fries to make sure they meet legal standards for salt content." 


I asked if that paid well. "No he does it all volunteer; he is one of those patriots if you know what I mean." I didn't but before I could say as much she said, "why do you ask honey?"

"Well I saw you drive up in that sweet car and assumed that your husband must be rich."

"Typical man, I am disappointed in you Benji; I thought you were more sensitive than that." then whether on accident or to teach me a lesson she snipped my ear. "oops, sorry 'bout that; let me get you a bandaid."

In pain and a little confused I said, "Well you work as a hair dresser and your husband is a patriotic volunteer so where does the money for such an awesome car come from?"

"Well honey I am going to let you in on a secret, but you can't tell a soul."

"Okay I promise."

"Cross your heart?"

"Well I'll have to ask my wife about that; you do know I'm married right Fran?"

"You silly; 'cross your heart' adds legitimacy and power to your promise it basically means I can tear out your heart if you break your promise."

"How about I cross my appendix." I didn't let on that I had just had my appendix removed for apple overconsumption.

"Well I guess that will do. Here is the secret: I am a phrenologist."

I had absolutely no idea what a phrenologist was but in order to avoid looking stupid I said, "oh you mean like with horses." The other ear got snipped. "Ow Fran, you're worse than my mom."

"Oh don't be such a baby sweetie; and don't pretend you know something when you don't; it's not attractive in a man with so little hair."

Fran began to describe phrenology which is basically the science of studying the shape of someone's skull to tell certain characteristics about the person. A bulge here means you are a good communicator, a dent there means you cant spell 'their' (just a side note: I misspell 'their' all the time I spell it 'thier' ('i' before 'e' except after 'c'. Ya, totally bogus rule).

This is a Phrenology Chart

"So... How do you make money off this phrenology stuff?"

"Well I get all sorts of people coming in here every day, you never know when one of thems goin to be a gold mine."

Still confused (apparently I have a dent in the cranial area of abstract comprehension of foreign ideas), "So you charge people different based on how much money you think they have?" Sensing another ear snip I pretended to sneeze.

"Not exactly. I have a business set up with several high power orginizations; they tell me what kind of person they are looking for to fill a specific position and then I phrenologize my customers for suitable cannidates."

"That is incredible!" I said. "How much do you get paid for that sort of thing?"

"Well it depends on the company I am dealing with, but most of them keep me on a retainer and then pay me when I find a winning canidate. I usually make between two and three million a year." She said this so frankly, without inflection, that I thought she was joking.

"Ha ha ha, you really had me goin for a second Fran."

"No I'm serious. The car was actualy a bonus for one of my more lucrative finds"

It was at this point that I started to realize that I had been going to Fran ever since my mom nearly took off my ear in a scissor/texting accident (Driving is not the only activity that is dangerous while texting). 

"So Fran, have you ever phrenologized me?"

"Sure honey, you're not a candidate for anything rich or important, but I did set you up with your wife."

I was a little deflated at hearing I wasn't the smartest person in the world (something I had assumed from early childhood). But more than that I was curious about how phrenology, Fran, and the wife fit together.

"What do you mean you set me up with my wife?"

"Your wife came in asking me to find her a husband. Its a side favor I do for friends."

"Really?" I was enjoying the thought that I was the best man in the world to get my wife. "It must have taken quite a while to find someone as unique as me, eh Fran."

"Not really; her specifications were fairly simple: someone who was smart but no too quick; a hard working man who could take direction from a woman; a man who was subservient and would easily bend to her superior will. The rest was just fluff."

You heard it right, all my finer qualities are just fluff. I am basically cheap labor.


I was too depressed to ask anymore questions at that point, which is significant for me,  so I took my leave. On my way out Fran said, "Don't take it so hard sweetie; if I read your skull right you should be able to write a killer blog post about this experience."
I must admit that did give me a little comfort. "Thanks for the skull scrub Fran see you next time."
"You betcha honey" she said with a wink as she sat her next customer (someone prone to be special and important no doubt; a bonus for Fran and her undercover phrenology business.)

So what should you take from this: Next time you think about getting your hair washed, just remember you might be manipulated by a millionaire phrenologist. And if you are a man and visited a hair stylist any time before you got married you might just be subservient cheap labor. (on second thought, that is pretty much the definition of a married man).

Fenrir (not as dead as we all hoped)

I found out the real name of the big bad wolf; it is Fenrir from Norse mythology.

So this is how the story goes (you can find the complete Wikipedia version here Fenrisulfr) Loki (some god I think) Had three monster children, one of them was Fenrir. Fenrir is a wolf that grew at an amazing rate, he is very strong, and reminds me of Samson in the bible for reasons I will explain later. He is said to be the father of all wolves. 

Well the gods were a little afraid of Fenrir because he grew so fast and was so strong and so they decided the were going to find a way to catch him without getting hurt in the process. So they prepared Leyding which was a kind of fetter to bind Fenrir with. So the gods went up to him and said. "Hey brother I bet you can't break these bands were going to tie you up with", but Fenrir believed he could so he told them to tie him up, he quickly broke through Leyding and was free. So the gods got out Dromi, a fetter supposed to be twice as strong and said: "Hey brother how bout Dromi; no way you can break Dromi." Fenrir was sure he could so he let them tie him up and he broke through Dromi with just a little difficulty. Well the gods were a little miffed because their plan had failed so they commissioned some dwarfs to make them a special fetter that could hold Fenrir. The dwarfs made them Gleipnir  made of five special elements. It was as soft as a ribbon but stronger than any chain. So the gods take Gleipnir to Fenrir and ask him to put it on. Fenrir, sure that some trickery was about to go down said he would only put it on if one of the gods put their hand in his mouth as assurance that they were not trying to trick him. Tyr volenteers and subsuqently looses a hand. Fenrir kicks against Gleipnir but is unable to get free. All the Gods laugh and they take him down under the earth to be held until  Ragnarök when he will escape and kill the god Odin. (This story is a very good parallel the story of Sampson and Delila from the bible. Delila tries to trick Sampson by tying him up but he breaks free until she cuts his hair then he gets thrown in the dungeon by the Philistines until he kills them all later.)


Even the gods are afraid of Fenrir (at least I am good company) What is super awesome though is that I know his name. Knowing a name gives you power; because I now know the big bad wolf's name I have power over him. (besides "Fenrir" is a lot easier to type than "the big bad wolf".


I have decided that I will take the aggressive stance. I am not going to sit idly by while Fenrir terrorizes me and my family (and eventually everyone who reads this blog if I fail in foiling him (sorry to get you involved)). I will keep you informed on my progress and hopefully get some photographs. Stay vigilant; stay safe.

(Th e pictures and summary were taken directly from Wikipedia. I might go to prison for copyright infringement, but I am sure I will be in good company.)
(P.S. I will have the wife update the blog while I am in prison so don't worry about missing any great stories.)

A short statement about knowledge

Truth in life is truth in death, and what is false in life shall be known in death.
Knowledge is glory and power  forever.

Raw (as in not cooked)

I want to part from my normal light hearted blogging to something of the utmost importance.

What is the most important thing in the world? Well this has been something debated from the beginning of time I am sure but I want to give you my spin; I believe the most important thing in the world is people. People matter more than anything. Because people are so important it makes sense that we should care about them.

My youngest little girl (8 months)

So what does it mean to care about people? Well first off don't try to figure out ways to kill them; second off, find ways to love them.  I hope at some point you all get a chance to have children because they are awesome. Children, especially your own children, are special because they are the only people with the capacity to love you without prejudice. A child doesn't care what you look like, where you come from, how rich you are, how well bred, or what you have done (or are doing) in your life; they love you raw. It is nearly inexpressible the power that a child's love has. A child's love-filled hug can bring the hardest person to their knees in tears.

My oldest little girl (2)

What I long for in my own life is the ability to love people raw; to have the same powerful love of a child. When I approach someone I want them to feel like they are the most loved person in the world. I want to look at a person and see only their soul, the part of them that is true and real. How blissful it would be to feel and express pure, unrestrained, and unprejudiced love.

A sick stomach and a sandwich.

Today I woke with the most horrible pain. I thought that I might die (my wife would say this is a typical male overreaction; if we ever had to deal with real pain we wouldn't whine so much). So, like a good man, I started complaining of how awful I felt. Then like a good woman my wife handed me a sandwich.

I tried to act thankful but what I really wanted was sympathy, or maybe a note to get out of school; neither of which I obtained. As I stood there with a mildly thankful pained look she gestured for me to take a bite. To tell you the truth I was not in the mood for a sandwich at all, but I mechanically opened my mouth, inserted the sandwich, and took a bite.

At this point I would like to say that my wife's wisdom and sandwich helped me to feel better, but alas this is not true; if anything I felt worse. I looked up at her again and faked a smile. She pinched my cheek, gave me a cheerful smile, then turned around and walked out of the room.

I promptly sat down and started to evaluate my life....

I haven't finished yet. I'll let you know what I come up with.

An Apple a Day

I really like apples a lot; I live by the addage, "an apple a day keeps the doctor away." What I didn't find out until just recently is that the full addage should go something like this, "an apple a day keeps the doctor away; two apples a day brings him back, three or more apples a day makes it exponentialy worse!"

Let me explain how I have come to this conclusion. I moseyed through life eating an apple a day feeling very fine about my self. I could run nearly a mile without stopping and I was up to fifteen or so push ups. I was the most handsome man I knew and never failed to mention to my wife that it was true. One day I felt a little sick so I turned to my favorite remedy, a nice juicy Granny Smith apple. I waited for about fifteen minutes and still felt sick so I tried a backup Gala apple and what do you know I felt better. From that day forward I ate two apples instead of one every day. After about a month I noticed that my ears were rimmed with a disgusting green color, and that the tips of my fingers were turning blue. I started to eat more apples to try to correct the sickly course my body was taking. I started eating so many apples my wife complained the store owners would hide their apples when they saw her coming so that there would be some left for their other customers. Finally after my cheeks were bloated and there was a huge lump in my side I decided to go to the doctor.

So I waited in a cold and poorly decorated examination room for Brian Specklebum M.D. He came in with his nurse who had stainless steel implements in all her pockets. The doctor looked in my ears, in my  eyes, down my throat and some of the more uncomfortable areas.

"Well Mr. Benji, how long has it been since you saw a doctor?"
"Well.. probably about ten years when I had a talking mole removed." (This was a lie, it had been nearly fifteen years and I had removed the talking mole myself).
"Ten years! That's downright irresponsible. Your supposed to get a checkup every year."
"I Know, but I have been eating and apple a day so I figgured I was covered." A grin started to spread across the doctors face.

"How many apples have you been eating a day Mr. Benji?"
"Well I suppose I am up to three or four hundred, so I should be set right?"
Picking up a wicked looking meat-pounder-like instrument he said, "Back in the sixtys 95 percent of my new patients suffred the side effects of apple over consumption. Most of them stayed my patients until they died painful, depressing, untimely deaths." I nearly wet my pants right there on the examination table  "I suppose you have been poping the Pink Ladys like antacids?"
"Well actually I have been favoring the more conservative Braeburns recently."
"More conservative HA! Your a very sick man Mr. Benji." I started looking around for apples to repel the increasingly creepy doctor and his salivating nurse.
"Mr. Benji, I suppose I could be persuaded to help you... for a price."
"Actually I am feeling quite chipper now I think I'll just be on my way." The nurse locked the door and stood infront of it holding two instraments that looked like they were meant for extracting vitals.
I said with a weak shaking voice "How much do you want?"
"It's not how much but what" He said in a voice tinged with death.
"What do you want?" My mind raced over all the horrible things a psyco doctor could possible want.
"I want your liver Mr. Benji, to feed my pet nurse here." I looked at the nurse who was now licking her lips in anticipation.
"I think I'll get a second opinion" I said in a fear squeaked voice.
"There's no need for that Mr. Benji, your in good hands." He said as he held a vile of fermented apple cider under my nose.

I woke up with a light shinning in my face and my wife talking in the distance. I felt my face, it wasn't bloated anymore. I looked for the lump in my side but all that was left was a scar. My wife noticed that I was awake and so rushed to my side. "Oh Benji you were half way through a golden delicious apple when you passed out. I know you don't like the doctor but I coldn't think of what else to do."
"What happened why do I have this scar?"
Brian Specklebum M.D. came over with a friendly smile. "Your appendix had swelled to 183 times its normal size so we had to remove it."
"Oh, so I had appendicitis?"
"No, there wasn't any infection it was just full of apple seeds, stems, and peels. Some of the stuff was getting pretty rotten. You really ought to consider peeling and slicing your apples before you eat them, or in your case I would recommend giving up apples altogether."
"But an apple a day keeps the doctor away." I said convinced that this was the most important principle of health
The doctor let out a warm amused laugh. "I hate to burst your bubble but "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" is just a clever advertising slogan. And besides we doctors are pretty nice."
I was stunned and hurt, my apple adage had been reduced to "Got Milk?" status.

I was numb as I scooted off the bed and put on my clothes. My wife looked at me with her lovely concerned face as she took my hand. We walked slowly out of the doctors office, but as I was passing by the nurses station I saw the wicked nurse relishing in what looked like a liver paste sandwich. I turned to my wife and said, "I am never going to the doctor again."
my wife just smiled at me and said "Do you want an apple."

Time to find some courage

Well friends and followers I am displeased to announce that I know for sure that the big bad wolf is back. I was sitting in the car listening to some music looking into the field behind my apartment when this huge animal jumped the fence strait onto the hood of my car. I was so startled I think my heart actually stopped for several seconds. The wolf just looked at me almost grinning then jumped over the car and sauntered toward the apartment. I jumped out of the car sure that he was going to attack my family. But he just looked through the back glass sliding door then made a huge leap onto our roof two floors up. He walked to the peak of our roof looked back at me for a moment and disappeared over the other side.

I am not going to allow him to terrify me as much as he did when I was a child and I am most certainly not going to allow him to torment my children. I will keep you informed on my progress; I am determined to destroy the big bad wolf once and for all.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

From the Egg

I feel like I am at the bottom of a waterfall with the water pounding down on me with crushing force. All I can hear is erupting of thunder loud enough to split the earth. There is no light. I can't breath. However it is warm and almost comfortable like being in the womb. A bolt of light shatters my confusion and leaves me powerless to understand.

When I regain consciousness I am clinging to the edge of the world. At first all I can see is the edge like a jagged line in the middle of emptiness, not the dark space sort of emptiness, but a place devoid of any description or possibility of perception. The quiet is so profound it is difficult to conceive of the rumbling horror of the chaos I came from. Slowly the world rolls into view; I am actually clinging to the shell of an egg that has been shattered. A field of green grass and flowers extends from my precarious grip up into jagged peaks of white shell.

I climb into the egg and begin to walk around. I find out quickly that my movement is limited. I can make it as far as a stream running through the field; beyond that I can't even fathom; it's not like the emptiness from before but it is indiscernible none the less; I only have the inkling that there is something precious and mysterious on the other side. I have no desire to explore in the other direction. I am warmed by the peace that surrounds me yet I long for answers. Why am I here? Where is here? What happened to the world I knew.

I begin to look beyond my egg to search for answers. Almost immediately my eyes are drawn to a man contained in a puddle of reality surrounded by the nothingness. I say puddle because that is what it looks like, but more accurately it is a window to another place, or rather a window into the meaning of the world I have departed. This man is on a very tall unicycle riding around a pole that doesn't have a top. He rides around and around in circles never leaving the pole all the while he is pointing away from the poll seeming to say, "Go that way." The obvious problem is that the direction always changes because he is moving around the poll always pointing away from it. As the puddle expands I can see that he is in  the middle of a city and that he is not actually in control. His unicycle is being powered by a motor attached to the poll. I blink and when my eyes return to the puddle I see the man dangling from the top of the unicycle --dead-- he turning around and around the poll hanging limp like a doll.

I pause to think about the scene that has been place before my eyes. I am concerned but not afraid. Slowly an answer forms in my mind. I know why I have come to this place and what I am supposed to take from it. As this realization settles upon me the egg and the valley begin to fade and disintegrate like chalk drawings subject to time and the elements. I see myself sitting on the edge of the eggshell looking longingly back at my self wishing that I could reveal the secret... the light before I strap on my helmet and unicycle away.

Wish, Wife, Wo

Did I ever tell you how I got my wife?

Well this is about how it went. I was watching my wife (before she was my wife) from across a beautiful creek flowing from a crystal lake nestled in a green glacial valley. I had met her several years earlier at a "desperate singles" gathering. It was meant for people over the age of 19 who had not yet manage to make the leap into marriage (I was tricked into coming because my friend said there were going to be free nachos (they weren't free)).

I was huddled in the corner trying to resist the pursuits of several plain-Jane girls when I saw her (my future wife) walk into the door. She was the most beautiful person I had ever seen; tall, graceful, gorgeous. I wet my pants there on the spot, which turned out to be a blessing because it drove away all the uglies. I quickly poured an entire can of root-beer and plate of nachos down my pants to hide my accident then walked over to the dream that had just entered my life. I walked up to introduce my self and explain (using a lie) the nachos still sticking to my pants. She took one look at me (and my nacho pants that smelled suspiciously like urine) and walked back out the door.

I didn't see her for another three weeks when I happened to bump into her at the ice cream shop. She was much more receptive when I tried to introduce my self:
"Hi my name is Ben, I have never seen a nacho in my life"
"Hi Ben, I am not interested in you because you're short"
"I have some pretty tall tales." I said, desperately hoping that would compensate for my obvious physical deficiency.
(In case you couldn't guess that was the wrong thing to say at that particular moment)

From that time on I made every effort to be near her. Things started looking up; she looked in my direction and smiled; I wet my pants again and had to leave before I could discuss it with her. (I have since been successfully treated for excitability and a weak sphincter). The next time I talked to her she finally looked me strait in they eye and smiled. I was thrilled until she said "you flirt like a third grader and your lifts are fooling anybody" at which point I almost gave up trying.

Nearly a year when by before I saw her again. She just happened to be in Idaho at a crystal lake nestled in a green glacial valley. As I sat there across the creek admiring her majestic movements and delicious figure I noticed a rock by my feet. It was a strange moss covered rock that glowed blue. I picked it up immediately determining (in my indefatigably imaginative mind) that it was a wishing rock and made a wish.
"I wish Christina would fall in love with me."
Then I took the obvious next step... I threw the rock at her.

Knocked the poor dear out cold. I stood there dazed by what I had done when all the sudden her dad sprung out of the bushes with furry in his eyes.
"What are you doing! Are you crazy!"
Wetting my pants "I am only crazy in love with your daughter."
"You sure have an interesting way of showing it"
"That rock was a wishing rock..."
Understanding crossed his face and he gave me a faint smile. "You wished that she would fall in love with you, didn't you bed-wetter."
"Umm..." not sure if it was safe to say, "Yes."
"Fifty thousand dollars"
"What?"
"If you want her you will have to give me fifty thousand dollars."

I was in a tight spot, you can't tactfully offer a lower price for your future wife; negotiation prospects were shot. I looked at Christina with her beautiful brown hair falling across he exquisite unconscious face.
"You got it, do you want that lump some or periodic payments."
"annual payments will be fine but I will have to tack on 10% interest."

And that is how I got my wife. Fortunately for me she is worth far more than fifty thousand, but it is a bummer that all my Bed Wetter Anonymous counseling fees have to go to pay off my father in law. With that in mind I am always looking for another wishing rock.


Disclaimer:
Some of these events along with the character of certain parties involved have not been sufficient verified by an unbiased third party and so could be absolute fiction (although I for one believe them).

Janie and the clouds of evil

Janie was a very shy girl from the time she was a baby. One of the first things she learned to do was avoid eye contact with anyone who she was not familiar with.
Janie grew up in a village of shepherds nestled in green hills. The villagers were all very nice and rarely passed up a chance for good conversation even when there was something on T.V. The problem for Janie was that she wanted to avoid conversation all together.
At the time we enter the main events of our story Janie is running home to hide after an overanxious adult carelessly said hello in her direction. While Janie was running home the clouds of evil began to form over the village.
Suddenly Lord Malarky appeared out of the clouds and began to capture the villagers. The villagers tried desperately to get away but without any success. Lord Malarky laughed as he tied each villager to the belly of a sheep. When all the villagers were tied to sheep he sent the whole flock stampeding towards the cliffs.
Janie heard the commotion and decided to leave her hiding spot to see what was happening. She was shocked to find all the people she was familiar with about to run off the cliffs and die. With only mild hesitation she ran out the door to help the people.
When Lord Malarky saw Janie he was very pleased. "Such a beautiful girl like you would surely make a wonderful wall mount for my castle in the clouds.
Disgusted and more than a little afraid of the whole confrontation Janie squeaked out "You let those people go."
"Or what my pretty? I could tear you to bits if I thought it amusing."
Janie did not find this amusing and so told Lord Malarky, "I am not amused."
Lord Malarky didn't waste his breath threatening Janie any more, he swooped down to capture her so he could send her off the cliffs with the others.
Fortunately, Janie had good practice dodging dodgy people and so quickly stepped away before he could grab her.
Lord Malarky grew livid. "You are a worthless little girl and I am going to fry you with lightening."
This hurt Janie, it basically confirmed all of her self doubts. She began to give up inside herself when she heard the villagers singing the Janie song all in unison. "Janie janie Janie janie boom boom shickla to... Janie janie Janie janie boom boom we love you..." Then something happened inside of Janie. She realized how wonderful the villagers were in comparison to Lord Malarky and realized that they really did like her. She grew the biggest brightest smile that had ever been seen in the whole universe.
Seeing the change in Janie frightened Lord Malarky, so he grabbed the lightening from the dark clouds of evil and threw it down at Janie. But Janie's smile was so big and bright that the lightening bounced off her slightly gaped teeth and hit Lord Malarky directly in the left nostril (his unknown Achilles heel). Lord Malarky was knocked out of the sky and lay unconscious among the sharp rocks.
Janie untied the villagers and they each gave her a big hug, which she didn't mind at all.
The villagers gathered around Lord Malarky wondering what to do. The fair and beautiful Christina suggested that they take Lord Malarky far away and leave him there lost and alone, but Benji thought this a bad idea. Our children need closure, they need to know that Lord Malarky will never come back to snatch them from their beds as they sleep. A slim majority, but a majority none the less, agreed with Benji and set about ensuring Lord Malarkey would never frighten their children again even in their dreams, so they cut a small hole in his side and extracted one end of his small intestine which they tied to a bush on the cliffs, then they threw him off so that his guts would be pulled out through the small hole as he fell to his death below.
It was effective and so Lord Malarky was no more, the villagers were happy, and none of the kids were ever frightened again. And you can still see Janie to this day (as long as it is before 1956, her projected death date) skipping around the village conversing with all her friends, the smile still gleaming on her face.

Playing with the girls

Last night I had a chance to play clapping games with my wife and our two girls. The thrilled laughing and smiles were very satisfying. I think better than stories and blogs are little grils laughing and smiling.

A picture of the big bad wolf.

This is the closest picture I have ever found of what the Big Bad Wolf really looks like (I don't know who to credit for the picture but it was someone really talented).

Contrary to what you may have seen on cartoons or in movies the wolf is quite lanky and mangy. He has a really long ratty tail.

If  you are an adult you probably will never see more than the tail has he runs around the corner of your house... or ,even more terrifyingly, as he rounds the corner in your hall.

If you are a child you may see a whole lot more than that.

Coming home from a night class I got the chills and a shiver went strait up my spine. I heard a growl and when I turned around I saw a pair of eyes looking at me from behind the trash. 

I have to confess that I ran like a little child strait into the house and locked the doors. I don't know if I was imagining things but with the other evidence I have seen recently I am starting to wonder.

A man's way of handling a stubborn child

Tap tap tap tap....

What?

Humm....

Okay lady it is time to come into the house.
No you have been outside almost all day.
You will not die I can guarantee it.
Your legs look fine to me.
Do I have to come out and get you.
No that was not a threat.
I am not angry.
Wanting you to come inside after a day of romping in the out of doors does not make me a racist.
I'm not a racist.
I agree, but I am not a racist!
Who taught you the word racist anyway?
Well that is the last time I am letting you talk to uncle Charles now come inside.
Yes mommy wants you to come in too.
Sure.
I don't have my shoes on just come inside.
I am counting to three. One... Two...
No I am counting to get you to come in.
One... Two... Three... I am coming to get you.
I don't need my shoes. Ouch..
come back in please.
Do I have to get my shoes?
I am going to sacrifice your bunny to my idol gods.
Sure I have plenty.
I will flush Tina down the toilet.
That was not poddy talk.
Now that is poddy talk you are in big trouble!

Honey can you go get her she refuses to come inside.
I tried that, she keeps saying no.
but I don't want to put my shoes on.
Well just come to the door and call her.
Because you are more persuasive than me.
I'll finish up dinner.
I can hold the baby and make dinner at the same time.
......
Men are just not as good at multi tasking.
Your beautiful. I love to listen to your voice can you use it to call her in it would make me very happy.

Your mommy says you don't get dinner if you don't come in right now.

I am not making you out to be the bad guy I just thought it would work better coming from you.
Fine!

COME IN THIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW CHILD!
RESPECT  YOUR FATHER!
...Please...

--Moral of the story: Say please first--
--oh, and be a man or your wife will give you the look.... no not that look, the other look that you don't want--

The race begins

Well school started today. I hope there was an obvious lack of emotion expressed in the statement because I don't know how I feel about it yet. I am taking a children's literature class so maybe my blogs will improve.

Flashback- "Eat your fish!"
I had never eaten so many fish in one sitting; you see I was pretending to be three different boys in order to cover for my friends absence. The teacher was half blind and mostly uninterested in students and so couldn't tell the difference.

Present- No fish here thankfully! It might actually be a good year; and my troublesome friends died long ago so I don't have to worry about covering for them anymore.


The End

The change in wind

It is especially windy this week. I feel like that guy who wasn't quite heavy enough and so blew away and was never heard from again. Except no one really know how that guy felt because he never came back to tell anyone. Maybe I will be that guy, but I will keep my cell phone so I can text my feelings from wherever I end up; hopefully Africa.

P.S.

I found some dirty course brown hair. I don't know the source. I will keep you informed.

Possible return of the Big Bad Wolf.

I was actually tormented by the real big bad wolf when I was a child. It has been years (since I moved to japan in fact) that I have noticed any sign of the big bad wolf. However today I smelled it. It has the musty smell of old blood. I would recognize the smell anywhere because I have been within nose distance from the wolf in the past; one of the most terrifying experiences I have ever had.

Needless to say I am a little nervous and shocked to smell it in my adult life. I first noticed the smell as I was extracting my bike from the shed. The stench was strong, like the wolf had been there recently.

I am not saying that I am afraid now because I have never seen him attack adults but I am a little nervous for my little girls. I don't want them to be paralyzed by fear or worse disappear. I am hoping it is just a coincidence; a temporary resting place for the wolf as it carries on to some hellish destination.

I hope