I thought this was a totally awesome idea. The inventor is interested in putting it in cars but I think it would be great for a bike (except for the whole 15 extra pounds your riding around with) I probably have fifteen pounds off my person that I could loose to compensate however, and shucks what better way to do it than on a bike?

Les Schwab where everyone knows your name

Where Everyone Knows Your Name

Have you ever had that horrible experience where someone comes up to you and starts talking to you like you are old friends but you have no idea who they are? Well if not go to Les Schwab Tire Center and you will get to experience the pain of forgetting someone who should be  important to you. Why Les Schwab you may ask, well let me tell you. 

I was driving home from therapy thinking very positive thoughts when I felt my car pulling strangely to the left. The last time I had felt this pulling sensation was when I accidentally ran over a ball of cats (yes and actual ball of cats; like the balls of mating snakes except they were cats and I can't be sure they were mating...) Anyway several got caught up in the suspension and another was forced between the rim and the rotor which caused the wheel to spin less effectively causing the sensation of a drag. It was a horrible mess that caused me great mental and emotional stress that landed me in therapy.

Needless to say this dragging sensation caused deep anxiety harrowing up memories that I had paid thousands to forget. So instead of getting out of the car to see how many cats I had spun around the axle this time I decided to take atrial streets the rest of the way home and let my wife inspect the car when I got home. Thankfully it turned out that there was just a low tire which obviously wouldn't cause anyone mental or emotional stress... at least that is what I thought at the time.

The next day I took it in to the closest tire store to be repaired which just happened to be Les Schwab. I walked in and began to describe the problem to the person behind the desk. Before I had a chance to explain what a ball of cats had to do with my flat tire a complete and absolute stranger came in from the back shop and with a cheery smile full of meaning and history said "Benji! I'll take care of you don't worry."

If you have ever been at the peak of a roller coaster about to plunge several hundred feet and had the safety bar pop up unexpectedly you will know how I felt in that moment. Trying to mask my befuddlement I said "hey man, hows it goin?" in the most chummy I-know-exactly-who-you-are voice I could summon. He must have been convinced because I started asking me about my parents and the old hood, not just general questions but actual events that had taken place in my life that until our conversation had never included him. I carried on casual conversation hoping to get the transaction completed before he figured out that I had no clue who he was. After I explained that my car was chronically losing tire pressure he said he would take care of it. Not sure of the cost of such things I asked how much it would be... His response was a nail in the coffin; "For Benji it's free."

With those words the situation had move beyond awkward irrecognition to moral dilemma. Could I let this person of whom I had no trace of a memory provide a free service for me under the pretense that we were chums? Well.... I handed him my keys and said "thanks." The instant he left to take my car around I asked the guy at the desk who the guy was, "Nic VanZwaldo" he said....... Nothing. Nothing at all came to my memory. This man did not exist before the moment he came out of the back shop to antagonize me with his knowledge of my name and history.

The truth about chicken nuggets

Deep fried reptilian creatures

Chicken nuggets are one of the best selling and most loved foods in America. Ask any child and they will tell you that everywhere has chicken nuggets. Go back in your mind and think of a restaurant that doesn't serve chicken nuggets.... okay now remember not to take your kids there because they won't find anything worth eating.

You may be wondering at this point why I am posting about chicken nuggets well I will leave you in suspense no longer. I discovered that chicken nuggets aren't actually made from chicken! The common held belief is that they are not made from chickens per say but from delicious chicken byproducts. I am here to bring that horrible rumor to an end. There is nothing chicken about chicken nuggets at all. 

When I was out early in the morning feeding the chickens at my work I witnessed hundreds of little creatures scurrying in the cracks and crevices of the coop when I opened the door. (no mom they were not rodents) I threw the feed scoop and managed to pin one of the creatures. Upon examination I found that the creature had scales, was roughly the size and shape of a standard chicken nuggeand had a long tongue that hung out over a mouth no more than a slit in its featureless face. 

I put it in a cardboard box to take home and show my kids but found it dead shortly after I had promised them a surprise when I came home (the surprise turned into some candy I found under the seat in my truck). Interestingly upon its demise it shed all of its appendages and looked exactly like a chicken nugget except that it had the green scales. It was in that moment that I made the connection. This creature not only looked like a chicken nugget it actually was a chicken nugget.

I turned to Gandolf R. (regrettably no relation to THE Gandolf) for some cooking advice. He fired up his deep fryer and in about two minutes and fifty six seconds we had what can unquestionably be called a chicken nugget.

Creature after frying for 3 minutes

I must admit this could all be just a coincidence; maybe I just caught some really sick mouse... or a cut in half lizard.... But I don't think so. I will be running some more experiments and hopefully trapping of few of these guys to show more conclusively that chicken nuggets aren't chickens at all but small reptilian creatures.

This discovery could have profound and far reaching consequences. If I end up missing you will know that the chicken companies got to me before I could reveal the truth. Until I get to the bottom of this please continue eating chicken nuggets at the same rate and frequency as before just keep in the back of your mind that you could be eating something entirely different from chicken.

Works for flowers, Turkey Dinners, and Deflated Hopes

My cousin saved my sanity and my very life by enlightening me with these words: "It's not ruined it's just going to need a lot of water."

This saying can be used to solve a myriad of problems.

The world

The economy

The environment

My life

See how many of your personal problems it applies to.

Fran the Phrenologist

A car that looks like Fran's with a girl that looks kind of like Fran.

The other day I was at the barber when I saw Fran my hair dresser hop out of a sweet car and come in to give me the follicle tuneup. I asked her what her husband did for work. 

She said "Oh my sweetie goes around to fast food restaurants and analyzed french fries to make sure they meet legal standards for salt content." 


I asked if that paid well. "No he does it all volunteer; he is one of those patriots if you know what I mean." I didn't but before I could say as much she said, "why do you ask honey?"

"Well I saw you drive up in that sweet car and assumed that your husband must be rich."

"Typical man, I am disappointed in you Benji; I thought you were more sensitive than that." then whether on accident or to teach me a lesson she snipped my ear. "oops, sorry 'bout that; let me get you a bandaid."

In pain and a little confused I said, "Well you work as a hair dresser and your husband is a patriotic volunteer so where does the money for such an awesome car come from?"

"Well honey I am going to let you in on a secret, but you can't tell a soul."

"Okay I promise."

"Cross your heart?"

"Well I'll have to ask my wife about that; you do know I'm married right Fran?"

"You silly; 'cross your heart' adds legitimacy and power to your promise it basically means I can tear out your heart if you break your promise."

"How about I cross my appendix." I didn't let on that I had just had my appendix removed for apple overconsumption.

"Well I guess that will do. Here is the secret: I am a phrenologist."

I had absolutely no idea what a phrenologist was but in order to avoid looking stupid I said, "oh you mean like with horses." The other ear got snipped. "Ow Fran, you're worse than my mom."

"Oh don't be such a baby sweetie; and don't pretend you know something when you don't; it's not attractive in a man with so little hair."

Fran began to describe phrenology which is basically the science of studying the shape of someone's skull to tell certain characteristics about the person. A bulge here means you are a good communicator, a dent there means you cant spell 'their' (just a side note: I misspell 'their' all the time I spell it 'thier' ('i' before 'e' except after 'c'. Ya, totally bogus rule).

This is a Phrenology Chart

"So... How do you make money off this phrenology stuff?"

"Well I get all sorts of people coming in here every day, you never know when one of thems goin to be a gold mine."

Still confused (apparently I have a dent in the cranial area of abstract comprehension of foreign ideas), "So you charge people different based on how much money you think they have?" Sensing another ear snip I pretended to sneeze.

"Not exactly. I have a business set up with several high power orginizations; they tell me what kind of person they are looking for to fill a specific position and then I phrenologize my customers for suitable cannidates."

"That is incredible!" I said. "How much do you get paid for that sort of thing?"

"Well it depends on the company I am dealing with, but most of them keep me on a retainer and then pay me when I find a winning canidate. I usually make between two and three million a year." She said this so frankly, without inflection, that I thought she was joking.

"Ha ha ha, you really had me goin for a second Fran."

"No I'm serious. The car was actualy a bonus for one of my more lucrative finds"

It was at this point that I started to realize that I had been going to Fran ever since my mom nearly took off my ear in a scissor/texting accident (Driving is not the only activity that is dangerous while texting). 

"So Fran, have you ever phrenologized me?"

"Sure honey, you're not a candidate for anything rich or important, but I did set you up with your wife."

I was a little deflated at hearing I wasn't the smartest person in the world (something I had assumed from early childhood). But more than that I was curious about how phrenology, Fran, and the wife fit together.

"What do you mean you set me up with my wife?"

"Your wife came in asking me to find her a husband. Its a side favor I do for friends."

"Really?" I was enjoying the thought that I was the best man in the world to get my wife. "It must have taken quite a while to find someone as unique as me, eh Fran."

"Not really; her specifications were fairly simple: someone who was smart but no too quick; a hard working man who could take direction from a woman; a man who was subservient and would easily bend to her superior will. The rest was just fluff."

You heard it right, all my finer qualities are just fluff. I am basically cheap labor.


I was too depressed to ask anymore questions at that point, which is significant for me,  so I took my leave. On my way out Fran said, "Don't take it so hard sweetie; if I read your skull right you should be able to write a killer blog post about this experience."
I must admit that did give me a little comfort. "Thanks for the skull scrub Fran see you next time."
"You betcha honey" she said with a wink as she sat her next customer (someone prone to be special and important no doubt; a bonus for Fran and her undercover phrenology business.)

So what should you take from this: Next time you think about getting your hair washed, just remember you might be manipulated by a millionaire phrenologist. And if you are a man and visited a hair stylist any time before you got married you might just be subservient cheap labor. (on second thought, that is pretty much the definition of a married man).